


i'm a mess

by bisexualbarry



Series: spideypool bingo 2020 [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Identity Reveal, M/M, Non-binary Peter Parker, Nonbinary, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Peter Parker, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Spideypool Bingo 2020, the cutest kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23823238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualbarry/pseuds/bisexualbarry
Summary: Peter's own mind seems to be against them at the worst of times. Being non-binary and Spider-Man aren't two things that seem to go well together, and it's getting harder for them to keep it from Wade.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: spideypool bingo 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1634320
Comments: 33
Kudos: 466





	i'm a mess

**Author's Note:**

> _oh i’m a mess right now_   
>  _inside out_   
>  _searching for a sweet surrender_   
>  _but this is not the end_   
>  _i can't work it out_   
>  _how going through the motions_   
>  _going through us_   
>  _and oh i’ve known it for the longest time_   
>  _and all of my hopes_   
>  _all of my own words_   
>  _are all over written on the signs_   
>  _but you're on my road_   
>  _walking me home_   
>    
>  **filled for the "free space" bingo square**

Sometimes, Peter feels like everything may come crashing down around them if they so much as breathe wrong.

The wind around Peter stirs a bit, rustling the curls off their forehead. They’re high enough up that anybody below won’t be able to see Spider-Man unmasked. The slight breeze cools the bit of sweat they’ve collected on their brow during patrol, but it does nothing to calm the pounding in their head. If there’s anything that Peter doesn’t like about late-night patrols, it’s the uncanny timing of their breakdowns.

It’s slightly past one in the morning, and they just barely have enough energy to make it to the top of a building so they can rip off their mask to breathe in the city air without anything in between.

It doesn’t happen every night that they lose their cool, even Parker luck seems to give Peter a bit of a break every now and again. But when it does, it feels like Peter can’t get to home fast enough or even make it to the top of a building before the heaviness in their chest becomes too much, and they need an outlet.

It’s closer to two than one now, and Peter’s been sitting in the same position long enough that some of their limbs have gone numb. Stretching out is slightly painful at first before it gives way to relief. Their thoughts didn’t consume them too badly today, and they feel comfortable enough to swing home without being distracted.

Of course, that all flies out the window when a familiar glove grips the edge of the building before the rest of the body topples over onto the roof. Deadpool looks like he ran all the way up, slightly out of breath, but is determined to talk to Peter. Or, well, _Spider-Man_.

“Spidey! I’ve been looking all over for you!” Deadpool exclaims, standing up straight and sauntering over to the webbed hero. “You have no idea how many buildings I’ve climbed only for you to _leave_.”

“Maybe you should climb faster,” Peter teases. “You actually caught me before I could head home. What’s up, Pool?”

“I didn’t think I’d get this far,” Deadpool whispers to himself. “Yes, I know we’ve got his attention now, you don’t need to remind me, dumb shit!”

Peter swallows thickly. There’s a very small reason their patrols always end the same. Not that Deadpool knows this, of course. No one knows that under the mask, Spider-Man is non-binary. It’s easier to deal with people if they just assume Peter’s a he. Plus, not everyone reacts the same way. They were lucky Aunt May is so understanding about it.

“Hello? Earth to Spidey?”

Jolting, Peter startles from their thoughts to look at Deadpool. “Sorry, DP. I spaced there for a second. You were saying?”

Deadpool eyes them for a second before getting right back into it. “Yeah, well. There’s this thing I need to get, and it’d be a lot easier if a certain set of sticky fingers were able to help me.”

“I thought your fingers were sticky enough,” Peter jokes, grinning under their mask. “Anyway, the answer is no, DP. I don’t really fancy getting into any more of your drama.”

“You’re so boring,” Deadpool whines, even going so far as stomping his foot. “I promise it’s nothing bad. I’m working for SHIELD now!”

“Are you?” Peter asks, raising an eyebrow. Deadpool can’t exactly _see_ the gesture, but it’s the thought that counts. “Then you should know that I don’t. What would I gain from helping you?”

“Uh, an awesome team-up?” Deadpool grins. Peter can’t help but wonder how he’s able to show his emotions so clearly through his mask. “My phone number?”

“I could just as easily ask for your number right now,” Peter teases, walking closer to Deadpool. The joking and teasing are helping distract them from their internal conflict.

“You’d give me permission to text you any time?” Deadpool asks, bouncing on his toes a little.

Peter can’t help but snicker. “Well, I wouldn’t say _any_ time,” they say. They sigh softly and cross their arms over their chest. “If you are working for SHIELD, though, we could… _maybe_ … team-up from time to time.”

The squeal Deadpool lets out is near ear-piercing, but something warms in Peter’s chest at the sound.

“For serious?” Deadpool is bouncing on his toes fully now, looking a lot like an excited puppy.

“No killing,” Peter says firmly. “If you’re going to work with me, that’s my strictest rule. Anything else can be discussed before we do a job.”

“Pfft,” Deadpool’s quick to say, but under Peter’s firm glare, he wilts a bit. “Alright, _fine._ I’ll keep to light maiming or something.”

“I suppose that’s the best I can get out of you,” Peter jokes. They sigh softly, kicking a lone rock across the roof. “We can meet up later or something. It’s getting pretty late. Or, well, early.” They shake their head, laughing a little. “I’m sure you’ll find me.”

With a grin, Peter turns and drops right off the roof. They laugh to themselves as Deadpool whistles loudly at their retreating back.

**~*~**

Peter’s apartment is depressingly empty. If their depression isn’t bad enough, it certainly doesn’t help matters when they come home from a long day at the Bugle to find no one waiting for them. Maybe they should get a cat. Or a fish.

The shower is cold when they climb into it. They shiver for a while before getting used to it and going through the motions of getting clean. Jameson yelled at them, _again,_ for not getting any exciting pictures of Spider-Man lately before assigning them to some crummy piece that both they and the writer of the article know won’t make the paper anyway.

Not wanting to sit alone in the apartment, Peter puts on their Spider-Man suit, nose scrunching a little at the smell. They _really_ need to clean it soon.

Peter spots Deadpool on one of the rooftops. He looks to be pacing and thinking hard over something, so they decide to drop onto the roof near him and see what’s going on.

“Hey, DP,” Peter greets, trying to come off as open. Deadpool’s always hard to figure out at the best of times. Peter never knows what to expect of the mercenary, so they’re on guard whenever the man’s around.

“Spidey!” Deadpool lights up at seeing the hero, making Peter blush a little under their mask. “You actually have great timing. Remember that favor I asked of you? Turns out, tonight’s the best window of opportunity. The leader’s out of town for some other evil-doings. It’ll be a skeleton crew at the base!”

Peter blinks. “You never told me the details of the mission, Pool. I have no idea what you’re after.”

“I knew I was forgetting something,” Deadpool hisses to himself. “Shut up, Yellow, you’re not helping.” He straightens up, acting like he wasn’t just talking to himself. Peter lets him do it, not wanting to make Deadpool uncomfortable. “Right, well, SHIELD needs their grubby little hands on some files from HYDRA. They didn’t really give me specifics, just some names and where they’d probably be.”

“So… why do you need me?” Peter asks slowly. This mission seems like it’ll be an easy in-and-out for Deadpool.

“So, SHIELD sent me to this because I can’t die, right?” There’s something in the mercenary’s voice that makes Peter feel bad for him. They can’t place it, though, so they file it away for the time being. “And since it’s, ya know, _HYDRA_ , they’re willing to look the other way if some deaths happen.”

“I don’t kill,” Peter’s quick to say. They specifically remember telling Wade that the last time they met up.

“ _I know! I know!_ ” Deadpool says quickly, the words coming out closer to a tangled mess. Deadpool suddenly shifts uncomfortably. “I just… I want to be better, ya know? It’s hard when even SHIELD doesn’t seem to take me seriously.”

Something softens within Peter, and they’re starting to see Deadpool in a new light. Recruiting them likely means Deadpool wants help keeping his head on straight during a mission and not go off on a killing spree. Even though Peter doesn’t like HYDRA and everything they do, it doesn’t mean they need to be _killed_. It’s one of the biggest reasons Peter always avoids invites to meet up with the Avengers. They’re all willing to kill when necessary. Peter isn’t like that. They _refuse_ to be like that.

“Alright,” Peter says softly. “I’ll help however I can, but we’ll have to do things my ‘no kill’ way, or I’m not willing to do it.”

“Yes!” Deadpool’s bouncing on his toes in excitement again, a wide smile clear through his mask.

It’s a cute look on Deadpool, Peter can’t help but think to themselves. Deadpool’s muttering to himself again, and Peter can’t figure out if it’s just him trying to remember details, or talking to the voices in his head.

“Uh… Pool? You said the window of opportunity was best tonight, right?” Peter tries, snapping the mercenary from his internal debate.

“Right! Yes! So, there’s this sketchy looking building down by the water that they’re using as a temporary base,” Deadpool explains. “With hotshot out of town, there’ll only be enough crew to keep the base defended but not much else. SHIELD gave me the blueprints of the place, but I’m not entirely sure how current they are. We might have to wing it a little.”

“I’m alright with that.” Peter hopes their smile is showing as much as Deadpool’s does through his mask though they doubt it. Peter _still_ doesn’t know how he’s able to be so expressive through his mask.

Peter’s sweating through their mask when they and Deadpool finally drop onto a roof far enough away from the warehouse. They have tied up all the agents there, but the threat of loose agents missing causes them to move a bit faster as they leave. Peter wants to take off their mask and wipe the sweat off their face, but they can’t with Deadpool right here.

“Didn’t get my blood pumping the same way killing does, but _whew_ , that was fun. Must be because I was working with my favorite little Spidey.” He playfully wiggles his eyebrows.

Peter snorts. “I’m not little, DP,” they protest. “I’m 5’9, thank you, and I’m really proud of you for holding back, you know. That couldn’t have been easy, all things considered.”

Deadpool’s strangely silent for once. “You’re just saying that because the author was too lazy to write the whole thing out.”

Though Peter has no idea what Deadpool’s even talking about, they’re quick to shake their head. “No, really. It was pretty brave of you to even reach out for help. I know that’s not your style, so…”

“Can we still work together? Like, you mentioned teaming up from time to time?” Deadpool scuffs a boot against the ground. “Dunno, I think your hero-ness will rub off on me.”

When Deadpool doesn’t even jump at the chance to make an inappropriate joke there, Peter knows he must be feeling hopeful, shy even, if they have to guess. “You have potential,” they say after a moment. “You showed me tonight you have the ability to hold back when you put your mind to it.”

Deadpool’s quiet for a while. Peter isn’t sure if he’s talking to the voices right now, or if he’s just stunned. “Thank you,” he says after a moment. “I… yeah.”

Peter gently squeezes his shoulder. “Keep it up, and I’ll rub something off on you,” they joke, hurrying away quickly with a laugh while Deadpool sputters.

**~*~**

Despite any initial doubts, Peter enjoys working with Deadpool. Even though their line of work doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for light-heartedness, Deadpool’s insistent on cracking jokes whenever possible. Peter loves it. Deadpool’s jokes play off well with their own quips whenever they’re handling a baddie. They’re not sure if they’ve ever smiled this much before meeting Wade.

There’s always that thought in the back of their mind, however, that even though Deadpool’s outwardly accepting of everyone, he won’t accept who Peter is. Which is a ridiculous thought that May’d chastise them for. They’re different, they tend to reason. It’s always different when it’s someone close to you versus someone supporting from the sidelines. It’s one of the many reasons Peter had such difficulty coming out to May.

Deadpool is also… ridiculously sweet, which Peter wasn’t expecting by a million miles. Peter once offhandedly mentioned they didn’t have a lot of money and often had to skip meals, so Deadpool started showing up with food at the beginning of their patrols. He’s never said anything about it, always claiming they need the energy to fight bad guys, but it never fails to make Peter smile and blush under their mask.

So, a lot of conflicting emotions, and Peter isn’t even sure where to _start_ unraveling them.

“You’ve plumped up since we started patrolling,” Deadpool comments one night, causing Peter to choke on their food.

“Excuse me?!” They ask, whipping their head around at Deadpool. “Are you calling me fat?”

Deadpool’s eyes go wide. “What? No! White, I _told_ you telling him that was fucking stupid.” He holds up his hands, bits of food flying out of the one holding a burrito still. “You were just… scarily skinny when we met. You’re, like, healthy weight now.”

“Oh…” Peter trails off. “Uh, well, thank you. You’re the reason I’m eating somewhat regularly anyway.”

Deadpool sits up straighter at that, grinning. Peter really loves being able to see his smile when they’re eating. It always makes their heart thrum at being able to see something so pure coming from Deadpool. Even though getting to _see_ his face had been an issue at the time, the mercenary was extremely self-conscious of his scars. Peter has too many of their own (both internal and external) to really comment on it. Not that they bother them any, they just make Deadpool who he is.

“You have a beautiful smile, you know,” Peter says nonchalantly, taking a large bite of their food. They hear Deadpool choking next to them, and they quickly look over to make sure he’s okay. “Did you forget to breathe between bites again?”

“No, not this time.” Deadpool coughs, bits of food coming up, making Peter scrunch their nose in disgust. “You just, uh, caught me by surprise.”

“Nobody ever complimented your smile before?” Peter chuckles softly.

“Nobody’s complimented me _ever_ ,” Deadpool says quietly. He’s picking at his food again, flicking away bits of cheese. “Shut up, Yellow. He’s not like that.”

Peter sighs softly, feeling bad for Deadpool. “You’re not a bad guy, DP.”

“Wade,” Deadpool says suddenly. “My name’s Wade.”

Peter smiles. “You’re not a bad guy, _Wade._ I’m not sure why so many people think so. Misguided, if anything. You just need some help.”

Wade’s talking quietly to himself now, so Peter tunes it out to respect his privacy. Wade’s never outright admitted he hears voices, but it isn’t difficult to figure out, either. Peter still treats him like any other person.

“You’re the first person to never call me crazy, you know,” Wade says after a moment, snapping Peter back to attention. “Most people would if they knew there are two other assholes in my head.”

Peter just shrugs. “Everybody has their demons,” they offer. They bite their bottom lip a moment before deciding _fuck it_. “My name’s Peter.”

There’s a soft smile on Wade’s face now, like he can’t believe Spider-Man would offer personal information like that. Peter’s never looked into Wade’s own personal information, but he’s not secretive about it.

“Peter…” Wade says softly. Peter has to admit: they really like the way their name rolls off Wade’s tongue. “I’ve been calling you baby boy in my head, but I like Peter a lot more.”

Peter bites their bottom lip. Now’s a great time to tell Wade. Like every other time, though, they chicken out. “I don’t mind baby boy,” they admit quietly, blushing a little. They don’t mind the way it sounds in Wade’s voice, despite the gendered pet name.

Wade smiles again, and Peter ignores the way their heart races in their chest.

**~*~**

Peter’s trying to calm their tears when Wade finds them.

They’re currently maskless, staring out at the city below them. They’re having a particularly bad case of dysphoria today after Jameson went on another rant about “fake genders”. God, if they told May what Jameson said, she’d storm down to their work place without hesitation and try to get him fired.

“Petey?” Wade asks gently, not approaching Peter too closely.

Peter’s back is still to Wade, their curls caught in the wind and messing them up. Peter knows Wade isn’t coming any closer because their mask is off, laying somewhere else on the roof when they tore it off.

“Wade,” Peter croaks out, trying to wipe away their tears. “Fuck, sorry. I thought you wouldn’t be up here for a while.”

“Are you alright?” Wade asks softly. Peter can hear his feet scuff against the rough ground.

“No,” Peter whispers. They take a shaky breath, figuring it’s now or never to tell Wade. Though, it definitely isn’t how they pictured coming out to Wade or even showing their face to him.

When they turn, Wade’s still standing there. They’ve only seen Wade this calm on missions. The intensity of it makes Peter a little dizzy.

“Baby boy,” Wade breathes out, clearly not expecting Peter to show their face.

“Please, don’t hate me,” they start, not moving from where they’re still sitting on the edge of the building. They’re facing Wade, though, which makes this whole thing harder. They swallow thickly again, wanting to just disappear. “My, uh, my boss was going on another rant. You know how it is.” Peter lets out a forced laugh, which sounds so fake it makes them cringe.

Wade’s taken the time to take off his own mask, making Peter feel a mixture of relief and vulnerability. It was almost better when they couldn’t see Wade’s face, couldn’t see the disgust or disappointment that is sure to happen now.

“About what?” Wade asks carefully. “It clearly upset you, baby boy.”

Peter licks their lips, turning away for a moment. Their whole body feels like it’s about to shake itself apart; they’re so scared. No matter how long they put this off, in the end, they know telling Wade as soon as possible is for the best. The back and forth flirting the two of them do is starting to get more serious. Peter can only hide their secret for so long.

“About genders,” Peter starts carefully. “And, you know, how some aren’t ‘real’.”

Seeming to sense the seriousness, Wade sits on the roof near Peter. He’s far enough away that Peter doesn’t feel pressured but also close enough that they can feel the reassurance coming off him. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Peter.”

“No, I know.” Peter lets out another breath. “I’m non-binary. And he, uh, he was saying shit about how it doesn’t exist and all that. Kinda had to leave before I did… _this_ there.”

“Can I touch you?” Wade asks suddenly, startling Peter.

“Uh, yeah,” they whisper.

Wade scoots closer and pulls Peter into a tight hug. Peter sags into it, feeling relief that Wade’s not running away. Unable to help it, they let out a sob into Wade’s shoulder. The man only shushes him gently and holds him closer.

“I was terrified you were going to leave,” they say brokenly.

“Me, leave you? As if,” Wade jokes lightly. “You could tell me you have four eyes and fangs, and I’d still want to date the fuck out of you.”

Peter manages a laugh, and it sounds far more genuine than the last one they tried. “Thank you,” they whisper. “I want to date the fuck out of you, too.”

Wade kisses the top of their head, and Peter sinks into it. “I’m sorry for calling you ‘he’ for so long. Do you still want me to call you baby boy? I can switch to just baby or something else if you’d like.”

“It’s okay. I can’t be non-binary while in suit. You didn’t know.” Peter looks up at Wade and gives him a small smile. “I don’t mind baby boy when you say it. Though, I wouldn’t object to baby, either.”

Wade grins and kisses his forehead. “Oh, I have _so_ many pet names for you, baby, just you _wait._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to [jennicide](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yenyen/pseuds/Jennicide) for beta'ing this mess and generally helping me 😅
> 
> comments are much appreciated!! 💛
> 
> [my tumblr](http://bibibarry.tumblr.com)  
> [my instagram](http://instagram.com/parkersdrake)


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